MOM!!! You Exploded My Horses!

In linguistics, idioms are usually presumed to be figures if speech contradicting the principle of compositionality.

In other words, idioms are hard.  Especially if you are four years old.

There are believed to be over 25,000 idiomatic expressions in the English language including "hold your horses."  That's where all this came from.  Claire has heard me say many times, "Claire, just hold your horses.

So yesterday after waiting for many, many hours for the sun to go down and the start of the fireworks she starts physically spazzing out and proclaimed, "I can't do it!  My horses are going to explode out!  I can't hold them any more!"

We die laughing.  She gets her affirmation and decides this is a good avenue for comedy gold.  So today on the way to the library Brad and I make a casual mention about a Slurpee.  She inhales sharply and squeals, "We are getting a Slurpee!!!"  No, no, we explain, we just mentioned a Slurpee.  It was only 10am, not appropriate Slurpee time (if you are teaching good eating habits to a 4 year old...I personally thing there is never a bad time for a Slurpee).  She deflates and grumbles, "Mom, you exploded my horses."  More laughs.

And that, my friends, is how new idioms are born.

Mother's Day Spoons: A reflection

Mother's Day has me all reflective.  I would like to share a short story from several years ago.  I always think about it around this time of year.
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I was building catapults with my GT kids and needed more plastic spoons.  Specifically the heavy duty ones that can withstand a rapid fire propulsion of marshmallows.  I started at Dollar Tree, but being regularly questionably stocked I wasn't surprised when they were out.  Then I stopped at Walgreens, but they were out too.  Ugh.  I had to trek to Walmart for stupid spoons.

I was pissed.  It was a Saturday afternoon in May.  The store was crowded.  I hate Walmart in the afternoon.  I get to the paper good section to find.....not a goddamn spoon in the place.  What the hell!  Next to me are two women and I unintentionally start this conversation.

Me: (exasperated) Why are there no spoons!?!?!?!?!  Where are they!?
Lady #1: (like, duh) It is Mother's Day weekend.
Me: (very snark-castic) Of course!  How thoughtless of me.  I didn't think to get my mom any Mother's Day spoons.
Lady #1: (walks away)
Lady #2: Mother's Day barbecues Sweetie.

So I ask you, did you get your mom her Mother's Day spoons?

My Sleep Number is $$$

I greatly regret getting a Sleep Number bed seven years ago.  Really, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that your mattress should not become susceptible to mechanical failure.  But we had good reasoning:

1. In the coming years I was going to be getting pregnant and women get uncomfortable sleeping during pregnancy.  I was never uncomfortable during pregnancy and slept just fine.  It isn't hard to adjust when you only gain 17 pounds.  I've gained more on during a trip to CiCi's Pizza.

2. We could each adjust the bed to what was comfortable for us without having to compromise.  Um, both our sleep numbers are 30.  No compromise there.

3. Brad had bad back discs.  Reduced pressure points would ease his pain.  Still lots of pain.  Actually, worse now.  And I have ruptured discs too now.  Money well spent, don't you think?

Add to these inconvenient truths the fact that the thing is noisy as hell and the tubes rub the paint off the wall and we aren't all that pleased.  Now the sides have started to bulge because the foam is wearing out and I've recently started rolling to a saggy part in the middle.  This makes my back hurt worse causing me to cradle a body pillow in front of me and put another pillow under my back like a wheel chock to keep from rolling into the pit.  Brad accuses me of building a "fortress" around myself so he can't touch me.

Enough was enough today when I woke up with a sore back from rolling into the hammock.  While Claire zoned out to Doc McStuffins, I ripped the covers off and unzipped the mattress to examine its grotesque inner-workings.  The foam was torn in the middle and on the sides, foam was coming apart, but I couldn't see any gap between the chambers.  I sweated and pushed and shoved and zipped everything back up.  With no improvement.  I still felt like a Plinko chip destined for the $10,000 spot.

A spent and hour chatting with the kind folks at Sleep Number who basically told me that if I sleep alone, I'll roll.  But, dear call center employee, I said it happens when I sleep with my partner.  OOoooh, well he must be heavier (nope).  You need a chamber lift $$ (don't think so).  I also need a new foam cover $$$ to replace the torn one.  And those pesky bulging sides need to be fixed to keep everything centered $$$.  With shipping and tax, we come to about $250.  Zoinks.

Well, hello Google & chat boards.  Nice to meet you.  Seems this saggy middle thing is REALLY common with Sleep Number beds as they age.  People kept saying they just needed a stronger piece of foam between the two chambers for support.  It was a manufacturing quality issue.  So where does one get a piece of high density foam?  After some good pondering.... Walmart...$2.

That is your garden variety pool noodle stuffed between the chambers.  I'm a genius I tell you.

So it isn't a 100% fix, but it will limp it along until we can save up the cash to buy a mattress that doesn't require pool noodles to work properly.  Plus, I'm assured of one more barrier between me and my husband.

Spring Break: A comparative analysis

The last three days, I’ve been home with Claire while she goes through a cycle of illnesses that only seem to make me tired while has the energy of 100 Jack Russell terriers. I started referring to it as my “pre-spring break” break and realized how similar they really were.

May I submit to you, a comparative analysis for your consideration:

Spring Break of Other People	Pre-Spring Break at My House
Holding down a giggling girl to pour vodka in her belly button for a body shot.	Holding down a screaming girl to poor antibiotic eye drops in for pink eye.
Trips to exotic locations like Panama City and Daytona Beach.	Trip to exotic locations like CVS and Walgreens.
Sleeping on the floor in the hall because everyone is passed out drunk.	Sleeping on the hall floor because someone is sleeping in peace with the door closed and the other has to stay close to listen for wheezing.
Wild night --- panties are lost – nowhere to be found.	Wild night --- The Beast’s arm is missing – nowhere to be found.
Trying to score some ecstasy in the parking lot of a club because it is the only drug she will do.	Trying to score some orange Triaminic because it is the only flavor she’ll take.
Thinking of creative ways to tell your parents why the car has “sexy lady” spray painted down the side of it.	Thinking of creative ways to tell my husband why he found corn dog parts in the couch.
Experiencing exotic cultures.	Experiencing negative strep cultures.
Often hearing, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” during a keg stand.	Often hearing, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” while she tries to get the dog to eat his own paw (pictured above).
Sitting on a sandy, sunny beach reading a trashy novel for hours on end.	Sitting in a lawn chair in a weed-filled lawn blowing bubbles for hours on end.
Lots of puke – from drinking.	Lots of puke – from mucus.

The Children's Illustrated Guide the 2012 Grammy Fashion

Here are just some quick thoughts and images from the Grammy Awards tonight.

LL Cool J-
I looked it up. He is 44 freggin' years old. Has this man found the fountain of youth? He looks the exact same age as when he did Encino Man with Pauly Shore in 1992.

Carrie Underwood vs Whitney Houston in "Who Wore It Better" -
Sorry Carrie. Even with your middle school eye make-up, a recently decease pop icon is always going to win this category.

Fergie-
I love orange. And I love Jean Paul Gaulier. But she is putting the "Grammy" into the Grammys with those horrid granny panties. Sure, things needed to be covered up, but fail.

Bruno Mars-
Loved the performance in the gold suit. It made both me and my hubby say, "I didn't know he was black..." Then we did a double take and realized he is actually Filipino, but the old Motown styling was so awesome it did a trick. Also, in this picture. No socks Bruno? Reminds me of the days we used to show up with no black socks for marching competition and have to barefoot the dinkles.

Anne V.-
This barely passes for a swimsuit cover up. This is not a slit. It is a one-legged dress.

I'm sure there will be more to ridicule, but I'm too old and tired to stay up for it. :-)

Thoughts from the Walmart Checkout

I never go to Walmart on Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning before 9am is my preferred time to show. But since we live in the backwoods state of Texas, and I can't get a bottle of sangria before noon on Sunday, and I didn't want to drag Claire with me, I went out this afternoon.

Big mistake.

I spent from 3:48 - 4:18pm in the checkout line. I kid you not. That's thirty minutes of my life I will never get back. But, since I was at ghetto Walmart I decided to jot a blog on the back of my grocery list in my newly free time.

Here are my observations and thoughts from an afternoon at Walmart:

1. It is the weekend before Valentine's Day so Walmart has rolled out the red (neck) carpet. Bouquets of sad, under-blossomed red carnations are abound. Granted, they regularly carry descent mixed bouquets of flowers, but that is not what I'm talking about. These are pathetic little red carnations. No girl deserves these. If "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" then every Feb 14 domestic violence incident begins with these flowers. There are also bins full of plush red and pink animals and I assume these are for little girls. Oh, but of course not. I see men, grown-ass men, digging through them talking about their wives and girlfriends to each other. The day my husband gets me a neon pink bear made in China is the day I know he no longer loves me. And he can send me pathetic red carnations with the divorce papers.

2. Why....why....why!...must you bring the whole family to the store? I think I was the only person there alone. I understand many parents have to take their children with them because of a lack of childcare. Said children should not be allowed to run free. Put them in the freakin' buggy---or a leash, I don't care. Allow your toddler to walk around and help you pick oatmeal on a Tuesday at 9:45am; not a Saturday at the supercenter. Best of all, leave them at home. And leave your husband (or baby daddy) at home with them. And Grandma. And Aunt Cleo and Uncle Andrew. Why does it take five adults and 6 kids to grocery shop for the week? It doesn't! But yet I see it all over the store as I have to wait for a conga line to pass before I can turn. Keep your ass at home and clear the aisle for sane people. I don't even understand couples who shop together. Honestly, only one of you is cooking -- or you know the meals the other one cooks -- so send one person to the store and get your crap and leave.

3. Hey Lady. Yeah, you. The 300+ pound woman in cheetah print leggings (stretched to the point they have lost opacity) and a short tank top. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just 'cuz they sell it at Walmart doesn't mean you can wear it here (or anywhere). Just sayin'.

4. I abhor people who just stand in the middle of an aisle staring like they've never seen laundry detergent before, completely oblivious to the people around them trying to get by. Yes, I am a slow coupon shopper and I stop my buggy and dig for coupons only on off hours. That means early mornings or during the week. Never during rush hours. Why can't they just grab a freggin' package of Fig Newtons and keep going?

5. Who are these people who buy entire cart loads of Banquet frozen dinners. I'm not talking, "stock the deep freeze because they are on sale and we have them for the babysitter's nights." I'm talking 75-100 frozen meals. I imagine it is kind of like the Jetson's at their house every night. They pop their tray in the microwave and Rosie brings it over when it is done. Or maybe it rides a conveyor belt.

I'm glad I went on Saturday, because after that trip, I really needed that wine.

Pseudo-Asian Food

No snark today. Just some good cheap, easy, quick recipes I thought I'd share.

Since I'm home with Claire on my own in the evening, it is really hard to cook a good meal. I'm exhausted and she wants to insert small objects into the electrical sockets while I'm not looking. So I like recipes that 1) are two for ones 2) get cooked in the crockpot 3) make tons of leftovers and 4) don't require expensive or exotic ingredients.

Here is one that I love (and I did this weekend) that is Asian inspired. Because no one cooks Chinese like a Southern woman.

Two-fer Meal:
Asian Chicken Tacos ($7 for about 15 tacos)
Chicken & Veggie Egg Rolls ($5.50 for about 15 egg rolls)

Morning:
Crockpot for 8 Hours:
2 large chicken breasts (or 3-4 small ones) ($4ish--buy on sale and freeze)
1/2 bottle BBQ sauce ($.50)
cover with water

Evening --- Meal #1 Asian Chicken Tacos:
Crockpot chicken
1/4c. BBQ sauce ($.25)
handful cilantro ($.50)
1/2 bag pre-shredded cole slaw mix (no sauce) ($.75)
1/8 c. Asian salad dressing (Kraft makes a toasted sesame one that is good and widely available) ($.50)
corn tortillas ($1.50)

1. Fork shred chicken. It cooked so long it should fall apart.
2. Remove and store about 3/4 c. chicken for Egg Rolls.
3. Add about 1/4c BBQ sauce to shredded chicken. Set aside.
4. Chop a handful of cilantro. Add to half the cole slaw mix. Mix with 1/8 c. Asian Sesame Dressing.
5. Warm corn tortillas
6. Fill tortillas with chicken mix and top with slaw.

Meal #2- Chicken Veggie Egg Rolls
1/4 onion - chopped fine ($.25)
2 ribs celery - chopped fine ($.25)
1 carrot - grated ($.25) ---there is some in the mix, so skip if you don't have it on hand
2T butter
1/2 bag cole slaw ($.75)
soy sauce
sesame oil (if on hand)
egg roll wrappers ($2)
frying oil ($1)

1. Saute onion, celery, and carrot in 2 tablespoons butter until soft.
2. Add remaining half bag of cole slaw mix, add 1/4 c. water to steam. Cook until soft
3. Add about 4 tablespoons of soy sauce & a little sesame oil if you have it on hand
4. Finely chop reserved chicken and mix it in. Remove from heat
5. Roll into egg roll wrappers; sealing with a moistened finger.
6. Heat about 1 inch of oil in a pan on medium heat. Cook egg rolls in small batches until golden brown. Makes about 15 --- -and they are good reheated even if they aren't still crispy.

For dipping, I don't like any of the Sweet & Sour sauces available in the grocery store. Soooo...when Claire gets McNuggets I request Sweet & Sour for dipping. Then keep it in the fridge until egg roll time. There is a gray area between unethical and frugal don't you think?