I've Been Slushied

I drive like a grandma and I don't care what you think. Actually, it's not that bad, but I don't drive like a raging maniac like most people on the road.

I go to the speed limit (especially construction zones).
I yield at those triangular signs.
I REFUSE to pull into the "turn lane" in the middle of a busy roadway when making a left out of a parking lot --- that is not what they are for.
I don't block intersections, even if my light is green.
I stop at a red light before turning right on red.

Don't honk at me when I follow the rules of the road. You are the ass-hat (I stole that from someone who knows about ass-hats!).

So imagine my surprise last week when I was zipping along going about 63 in a 60 and an ass-hat starts riding my bumper. I am considerate. I will pull to the left, but there was someone to my left. Sorry ass-hat. You'll have to wait 1/4 mile so this guy can get past me. But he gets closer.

Tailgating is irritating and dangerous and I have my toddler in the car with me. I'm scared and mad. He is driving a full-size van and is SO CLOSE that I can only see his windshield. No hood. No bumper.

Then I see we are driving into a construction zone marked 50 miles and hour. He is so close, if I tap my breaks, he will rear-end me. I just take my foot off the gas to slow down. I glance in my rear view mirror to see ass-hat having a seizure of rage. He is shaking his hands, screaming, and then he begins to honk. Geez Louise!

Guy to the right of me is disregarding the posted speed limit and continues at about 65mph. Now the right lane is clear, but ass-hat is honking and I'm wondering if he is having the same terrorist issue that Keaneu was having in Speed. I'm actually scared to change lanes now. You know how idiots will whip around you even though you have your signal on? So I put my hand up and urge him to go around and pass me by using an arch shaped hand motion.

I glance over at ass-hat when he passes because I feel like he is glaring at me. As I look he throws something at my car! It makes a soft thump and I can only assume it was a soft drink or slushy a la Glee.

Heeeeelllll no! That is vandalism of property and throwing things from a moving vehicle is a misdemeanor. I speed up just enough to memorize his license plate and pick up my cell phone:

911: 911 What is your emergency?
Me: CVS-*** that is the license plate --- write it down before I forget.
911: What happened.
Me: This guy threw a slushy at my car because I wouldn't speed in a construction zone.
911: Where are you?
Me: I'm going NW on Southwest Blvd. He just exited on Bryant Irvin.
911: I'll let the officers in the area know.
Me: Can you make him pay to wash the slushy off my car?
911: That will me a matter for the officer.
Me: Can you tell the officer that I only use the quick wash, so if the guy is willing to fork over $4 I won't put him in jail.
911: I'm not sure slushy throwing is an imprisionable offense.
Me: It should be. My car is sticky. And he is an ass-hat.
911: Thank you ma'am. Have a nice day.