Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bean and MoMo

Poor MoMo has been terrorized by Bean all day. I've had the camera out because I think it is quite funny in a sad way.
At first, it wasn't so bad for Mo. Claire ate cheese nips out of her plastic kitchenware, but she likes to dump everything out of the pot. Diesel recognizes that anything ON the floor is fair game, so he is fighting her for the nips. The picture doesn't communicate her squealing as he frantically runs around her eating her snack trying to avoid getting grabbed.

Because I was photographing this hilarious little adventure, I had the camera focused on her when she stood on her own for the first time!!!!! She has been making little half-hearted attempts at standing lately, but never for more than 2-3 seconds. When she realizes she isn't holding on to something she either sits or falls forward. Today she stood for a good 8 seconds. If it counts in a western rodeo, I'll count it in this rodeo!

Mo enjoyed a peaceful nap on the couch while Claire napped this afternoon, but when she woke up, she was on the rampage.

This is what you see when I pan the camera back.

And yes, she did have a midday wardrobe change because of a messy run-in with some sweet potatoes and wild Alaskan salmon for lunch. She got a little more aggressive and wound up running him off the couch.

And I don't blame him. She's got crazy hair and sharp teeth. Poor dog. He is actually napping on my while I blog this. He would rather have the laptop poking into his ribcage and be protected than risk being on the floor right now getting beaten with a pink plastic skillet.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Bite Me Martha

Completely contrary to my personality, I subscribe to Martha Stewart Living magazine and love looking through all 180 pages of ridiculousness. Exactly how does one do yoga three times a week, manage a full farm and garden (complete with albino asparagus), and regularly disassemble and clean their oscillating fans? With legions on housekeepers and peons, that is how. But my subscription is paid for with online survey points, so it is totally worth it.

As I flipped through the July issue, I saw the article "New Wardrobe Essentials." This is funny coming from the woman who only wears tent-like cotton collared shirts with mom khakis. The article is really quite interesting and and I find a stylish swimsuit so I look at the prices. I gasp and double check.

A chocolate brown maillot swimsuit ($470) and matching silk sarong ($520). Does Martha realize the purpose of that swimsuit is to be submerged in bleach water and children's urine? Does the damn thing the first suit ever that keeps your crotch from filling up with beach sand? It peaks my interest so I keep looking.

Other things your closet isn't complete without:
  • White collared button down shirt ($775) - could it possibly be $750 better than my favorite from JC Penney?
  • Black yoga pants ($130) and jacket ($150) - you die a little inside each time you sweat in it
  • V-neck sweater ($225) - cashmere & Ralph Lauren
  • Crisp khaki pants ($150)
  • Black AND tan point toe slingbacks ($575 each -- they are Monolos of course)
  • Dark wash denim straight leg jeans ($230)
  • Khaki trench coat ($50 - from Old Navy)

Would you wear your Monolos and $775 white shirt with a $50 coat from Old Navy? If you could afford all this stuff would you even know what an Old Navy is?

The sad thing is I read this article 3 days ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I just really hope they don't subscribe to Martha Stewart at the unemployment office and that is the only thing you can read while you are waiting for your Ramen money.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Insert Explicative Here

I have no words for how weird today has been.
It started of innocent enough. Then Brad saw a boxer running lose in the neighborhood and decided it needed to be stay in our yard until we could find its owners. This drove Diesel crazy since there was an unspayed female running around his yard. We thought it was the new neighbor's dog, and posted a note on the door. Brad went for a motorcycle ride while I tended the animals. After about an hour and a half the girl dog started barking and we realized she was scratching at the new fence! NO!!! So Brad went back out with her and noticed her tag was not "just" a rabies tag - it had a phone number on it. Brad called and left a message and they called right back....but they were out of town. After giving us their gate combination lock code, Brad returned the boxer to the yard. And since the owners informed us this dog is a fence jumper, I have a feeling we'll be putting her back in the yard all weekend. Oh well. She is a sweetie.


So how did THIS happen?

After the dog crisis was averted, I decided we should all go to the library. Nothing fancy, I just grabbed my Covey planner (a $90 set-up that serves as calendar and wallet) and a pair of flip flops. While on I-20 between McCart and Trail Lake, I see an explosion of paper out my side mirror. What? Did I hit something? Did it fall out of a vehicle? What was that? Oh crap. My planner. I had put it on the roof of the car when I put Claire in her car seat and forgot about it.


In total panic mode, Brad calls Wells Fargo to cancel my debit card while I circle around to see if the green binder/cover and cards were on the side of the road. I knew the planning pages were littering Southwest Fort Worth.


Loop #1:

With hazards so, I slowly retrace. We see paper everwhere, no wallet, but Brad did see a $10 bill(my Half-Price Books money!) blowing around.


Loop#2

A slow pass with my hazards on, I see it in the 2nd lane. Brad finishes his call with the bank, and I call 911 to request an officer to help me with traffic so I can fetch it.


Loop #3

An officer is en route to help, but requests we go park on the shoulder (luckily a big shoulder) near it. By the time we get there, cars have thrown it onto the shoulder...basically. Brad gets it. There is nothing but a pen left in it.


Brad also sees a card and walks approximately 100 yards back to the on-ramp picking up cards and another 100 yards in front picking up more. I had a few credit cards, debit cards, gift cards to Target, Logans, Disney store, my Sam's card, library card, and drivers license in there. The only things he didn't find (that I can think of) are my Mrs. Baird's frequent buyer card (damn, only $5 left to a free loaf) and my two debit cards...which incidentally where the only things we had already cancelled. I like to think some jerk saw it fly off my car and went to immediately use it, but it was locked. Haha!


The police came and very courteously waited for Brad to walk back to the car safely and I am SO SO thankful that Brad was there and willing to walk the road in the heat for me.


As you can see, my planner sustained MAJOR damage. You can't see in the picture, but there are holes in it. HOLES! Also, besides being covered in road grime, some of my cards are a little worse for the wear. I particularly like how the Sams Card looks like it had a bite taken out of it, the plastic is peeling off my drivers license and the Discover card was folded in half. How do you like those rewards!

All in all, I think it could have been a lot worse, but it still sucked. Needless to say, we are staying home for the rest of the day.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Jedi Baby and Spray Cheese

Bean does not stay still. Never has. The sonogram technician last summer commented on how active she was. You could watch my belly and see her trying to come out "Alien" style. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she is asleep she is groovin'. I don't know how other people take their babies places in the strollers. More than 5 or 10 minutes and Bean comes unglued. Sometimes I can get 15 minutes if we are moving at a fast clip.
So given this bit of information, it is quite hard to get her to eat. She has to sit, in a confining chair, with a BIB, for 15-20 minutes with nothing to grab at except anything within a 2 foot radius. To entertain herself, she rips at her bib getting food on her bib, clothes, and everywhere in between. It is a mess.
Last weekend I ran out of clean bibs, so I threw a dish towel around her neck and secured it with a clothes pin. It was awesome! It caught way more crumbs, covered more surface area, and surprisingly, didn't make Bean want to rip at it. I thoroughly recommend it. Plus, I think it is cute that she looks like a little baby Jedi. Hehe.


Today, while wrapped in her dish towel, she was enjoying a lunch of spaghetti (Gerber jar - yuck) and wanted to finish her meal with some Ritz crackers. Additionally, I whipped out the spray cheese and was putting a little puff on each bit of cracker before she ingested it. It is bad enough she likes spray cheese (gives me the heebie-jeebies) but she started looking at the can, opening her mouth like a baby bird, and doing her Butthead laugh (she huh, huh, huh-huh's like Butthead from Bevis and Butthead when she wants something to eat). Shooting caution to the wind, I sprayed the cheese directly into her mouth. She was overjoyed. It is wrong on so many levels.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Claire Ate Fort Bend County

I was checking my Facebook when I realized Claire was way too quiet. Never a good sign.

She was behind the dining room table, had grabbed Brad's motorcycle backpack, and found a map of Texas. I think she was planning her escape from this insane asylum. Incidently, I don't think she was planning to vist to Fort Bend County in her escapade, since she ate that part of the map. And now I guess we won't be visiting there either.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Katie Couric Has Nothing On This Guy with Jacked Up Teeth

I am so easily irritated.

I'm currently irritated by a number of things:

1. There is grass growing in my pool -- like THROUGH the liner. Freakin' nut grass. I hate nuts. That is why I had my husband fixed this weekend. (Ok, little hehe there.)

2. My eyes are dry and itchy.

3. My house is a mess and I have a friend coming over Tuesday to see this baby ravaged place.

4. My lawnmower is broken and I have knee high crab grass.

5. American media is the reason for all heart disease in America.

Let me explain #5. Heart disease is caused primarily by stress (and a little heredity). Stress is caused by panic. Panic is to the American media as Coke is to Robbie the Cokehead. Therefore, the media is causing the degeneration of my heart.

I opened my yahoo mainpage to see the main story is that North Korea has big nukes pointed at the US and Kim Jong Ill is pissed at America. Suddenly, I picture my family in a bunker eating spam and Twinkies for the next 8 years. (Ironically, the eternal Twinkies is a myth. I had a moldy one in my pantry last week.)

Having been living off DVR'ed re-runs of TLC for the past 18 hours, I suddenly wonder is America under attack, and I know nothing about it? I call myself and remember the recent media warnings: bird flu, africanized honey bees, killer tomatoes, pig flu, mad cow, killer peanut butter and how American media will put anything on to get ratings.

American media - even the evening news and CNN now - pump their shows full of hype. Panic inducing gore, lore, and more and common place. It isn't weird to see OctoMom or Paris Hilton on CNN. True world news is short and hidden among the homosexual escapades of married senators, Deal or Dud tests on As Seen On TV gadgets, and personal pieces on the 101 year old newspaper boy. And that is when you aren't being forced to hear what is coming up next as they tell you over and over and over what they are about to tell you. Egad!

So I head to my favorite news website and similarly favorite news show. www.bbc.com/news That is right. I have to go across the ocean to find out what is going on in my country. On BBC America, the Brits tell me, in boring, but intelligent and thorough and non-hype filled language what is going on. I love it. Their non-partisan viewpoint is refreshing and the reporters don't have on the typical "America is Better Than Everyone Else" blinders on. And don't get me wrong. I love America, but I don't think we are better than everyone else across the board in everything. That is just egotistical.

And what did I learn about North Korea? Nothing. BBC had nothing to report about anything funky going on in North Korea that hasn't been going on for the last 10 years. So I relax. Until I see something about swine flu.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crazy Coupon Lady

I am a crazy coupon lady. I completely understand that the Walmart cashiers cringe when they see me coming. I have comps, coupons, reusable bags, and typically a baby in the buggy too. I get it. So i try to shop weekday mornings, early (like 7am) weekends, and I try very, very hard to make it easy on the cashiers by putting my freebie coupons on the item (so they don't have to look up the price later) and sorting my comps by store. I'm really good.

So it pisses me off when cashiers get all nasty with me. At Walmart on Monday, my mom spent her lunch break walking around with me holding Bean. When we checked out the cashier took all my coupons and then as we were walking out she reprimanded me -- in front of my mom! She said that I wasn't supposed to use multiple coupons for the multiple items, but she did it for me anyway, but I could get in trouble. She was very condecending and it embarassed me infront of my mom, so I just thanked her and let it go.

She was talking about my razor coupons. Bic Breeze razors were on rollback for $5.14. I had a coupon for $3 off a package of Bic Breeze and a $2 coupon for a package of any Bic razors, so I bought two packages of the razors and used my two coupons. There is nothing wrong with this! Bic put the two coupons in the paper because they WANT consumers to buy two packages. Walmart has nothing to lose because the manufacturer reimburses them the face value plus handling. Large stores who accept coupons (think grocery stores, chain stores etc.) actualy make money on coupons. Did you know that surly cashier? No, because you don't even know your store's coupon policy.

My mom, being the "Cashier Trainer" for her Walmart went to the store manager for clarification. She told the manager that some of the cashiers are being gestapo about coupons and told her about my razor incident. The managers reponse? "Did she buy two packages of razors?" Yes. "So what is the problem? Make the customer happy." So my mom has requested a copy of the corporate coupon policy and has been told to spread the word to the front end to lay off on the poor people trying to save a couple of bucks (actually, that trip I saved $36 with coupons).

I understand these poor people make a meager hourly wage and recieve a modicum of training. If they don't know the policy they should err on the side of the customer and then ask their manager the next time they are around. If it is a big deal (say, someone brings in 10 copies of a "free diapers" coupon) they should say, "Please wait for a minute. I have to have my front end manager approve this transaction. Thanks for your patience." Sure, I have a college degree, but I could have figured that one out in 6th grade.

I have also printed off the Albertsons, Target, Walmart, Kroger, Tom Thumb, and Brookshires Corporate coupon policies to keep in the front of my coupon file. Then I can stick it to the surly cashiers. They don't know who they messed with.

First Bean Dip

Claire went for her first swim yesterday. Sure, the pool was a little cloudy, but all the chemical levels were safe.

I wasn't the least bit apprehensive, but apparently daddy was afraid she would be freaked out. I put on her swim diaper and rash guard top, slathered her with sunscreen and we headed out. Daddy got in the pool first and I handed her to him and together we got her in her float.
Add sunglasses and we have a party! She was kicking and jumping, smiling and giggling. She loved it!


Even though her face looks a little panicky, it is just from the sun making her squint.
What a sweet little Bean dip.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Yes, It Really Is That Bad.

Pathetic amount of sympathy and an occasional rubbing down with hydrocortizone cream. That is all I'm getting from Brad. These bee stings are BAD! I would post a picture, but I really don't want my pasty fat rolls and backne chronicaled for the blog-o-sphere.

On Friday morning after the bee incident, I asked Brad to rub on some cream to which he replied, "Geez! Those are pretty bad. Do you think you need to see the doctor?" What can they do really? I wasn't having any breathing trouble, so I figured it was a waste. I couldn't wear a regular bra to the last day of school, so I wore a stretchy nursing sports bra, baggy shirt and yoga pants I could pull down under the bite on my waist. Classy.

After 30 minutes as school I was pretty miserable. I went to the nurse, who has seen everything (even swine flu this week) expecting a dab of calamine lotion and maybe an ice pack. Instead, she gasped in horror and said, "Oh my gosh! Are you allergic to bees?" Having never been bitten before, I figured everyone got 6-8 inch in diameter whelps that are raised about an inch and look like a fried egg, but instead of yellow and white are red and pink. She forced me to take oral benadryl and advised I go to the doctor for a epi shot.

Not being able to take time off on the last day of school, I forged on in a Benadryl haze. I took Claire to my mom's after school and Mom gasped as well and took pictures (but doesn't have internet access to post them). Which makes me wonder why she wanted pictures...baby book? To show the neighbors? Hang on the refridgerator?

After a night's sleep (on ice packs) the red part has shrunken, but the pink is still huge. And they itch like mad. I'm having fantasies about taking a belt sander to my back. Aaaahhh...

This is the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. I'm going to soak up the attention while I can. Hopefully the swelling and itching will go down some more tonight.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Why I ripped my clothes off on the last day of school.

Last day of school! Woohoo! It is enough to make you rip off your shirt and run through the front yard.

After the last day today, I jumped in my car and headed across the street to pick up Bean. Just as I pulled into their driveway, I felt a little electric shock. You know how your muscles can do that sometimes or a tag pinches and you have to rub it out? As I reach back to rub, I feel a burn and it starts moving up my shirt. Something is moving and burning like an electric eel is in my car seat. I start screaming "Hheeeeellp! Ooooaaahhhooo! I need help! Aaahhhhahha!" It was really quite pathetic. And start scrambling out of my car.....before I put it in park and come to a complete stop.

One leg out the door, I realize I'm still moving and headed into the rear end of the baby sitter's SUV. Another string of expletives, and I get it in park and jump from the vehicle, engine running, dancing across their lawn pulling my shirt up (and seriously considering removing it) and shaking my hair out. I'm sure the neighbors, who all have kids at my school, are thinking, "Man, that teacher sure is excited about summer break!"

As my dance came to a climax, I saw something fly over my car. I'm assuming a bee, but it could have been a komodo dragon for all the pain and panic. And damn! I thought a bee could only sting once. That is a damned lie! I banged on the sitter's door and when she opened I screamed, "I have to use your bathroom! Bees!!!!" Once inside I removed my shirt and looked at my three small, single puncture wounds. At least it didn't look like a snake. I also had to remove my bra on the way home because the pressure was painful on my back.

With only a modicum of sympathy from my husband (who swears his on his foot when he was five was worse), I resorted to calling my mom for support, but she isn't home. So I'm stuck with 5" diameter whelps coated in hydrocortizone because I'm allergic to Benadryl... and no the irony doesn't escape me.

I think I'm going to have to sleep on my stomach tonight and I may need a pain pill.