Spring Break: A comparative analysis

The last three days, I’ve been home with Claire while she goes through a cycle of illnesses that only seem to make me tired while has the energy of 100 Jack Russell terriers. I started referring to it as my “pre-spring break” break and realized how similar they really were.

May I submit to you, a comparative analysis for your consideration:

Spring Break of Other People	Pre-Spring Break at My House
Holding down a giggling girl to pour vodka in her belly button for a body shot.	Holding down a screaming girl to poor antibiotic eye drops in for pink eye.
Trips to exotic locations like Panama City and Daytona Beach.	Trip to exotic locations like CVS and Walgreens.
Sleeping on the floor in the hall because everyone is passed out drunk.	Sleeping on the hall floor because someone is sleeping in peace with the door closed and the other has to stay close to listen for wheezing.
Wild night --- panties are lost – nowhere to be found.	Wild night --- The Beast’s arm is missing – nowhere to be found.
Trying to score some ecstasy in the parking lot of a club because it is the only drug she will do.	Trying to score some orange Triaminic because it is the only flavor she’ll take.
Thinking of creative ways to tell your parents why the car has “sexy lady” spray painted down the side of it.	Thinking of creative ways to tell my husband why he found corn dog parts in the couch.
Experiencing exotic cultures.	Experiencing negative strep cultures.
Often hearing, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” during a keg stand.	Often hearing, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” while she tries to get the dog to eat his own paw (pictured above).
Sitting on a sandy, sunny beach reading a trashy novel for hours on end.	Sitting in a lawn chair in a weed-filled lawn blowing bubbles for hours on end.
Lots of puke – from drinking.	Lots of puke – from mucus.

The Children's Illustrated Guide the 2012 Grammy Fashion

Here are just some quick thoughts and images from the Grammy Awards tonight.

LL Cool J-
I looked it up. He is 44 freggin' years old. Has this man found the fountain of youth? He looks the exact same age as when he did Encino Man with Pauly Shore in 1992.

Carrie Underwood vs Whitney Houston in "Who Wore It Better" -
Sorry Carrie. Even with your middle school eye make-up, a recently decease pop icon is always going to win this category.

Fergie-
I love orange. And I love Jean Paul Gaulier. But she is putting the "Grammy" into the Grammys with those horrid granny panties. Sure, things needed to be covered up, but fail.

Bruno Mars-
Loved the performance in the gold suit. It made both me and my hubby say, "I didn't know he was black..." Then we did a double take and realized he is actually Filipino, but the old Motown styling was so awesome it did a trick. Also, in this picture. No socks Bruno? Reminds me of the days we used to show up with no black socks for marching competition and have to barefoot the dinkles.

Anne V.-
This barely passes for a swimsuit cover up. This is not a slit. It is a one-legged dress.

I'm sure there will be more to ridicule, but I'm too old and tired to stay up for it. :-)

Thoughts from the Walmart Checkout

I never go to Walmart on Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning before 9am is my preferred time to show. But since we live in the backwoods state of Texas, and I can't get a bottle of sangria before noon on Sunday, and I didn't want to drag Claire with me, I went out this afternoon.

Big mistake.

I spent from 3:48 - 4:18pm in the checkout line. I kid you not. That's thirty minutes of my life I will never get back. But, since I was at ghetto Walmart I decided to jot a blog on the back of my grocery list in my newly free time.

Here are my observations and thoughts from an afternoon at Walmart:

1. It is the weekend before Valentine's Day so Walmart has rolled out the red (neck) carpet. Bouquets of sad, under-blossomed red carnations are abound. Granted, they regularly carry descent mixed bouquets of flowers, but that is not what I'm talking about. These are pathetic little red carnations. No girl deserves these. If "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" then every Feb 14 domestic violence incident begins with these flowers. There are also bins full of plush red and pink animals and I assume these are for little girls. Oh, but of course not. I see men, grown-ass men, digging through them talking about their wives and girlfriends to each other. The day my husband gets me a neon pink bear made in China is the day I know he no longer loves me. And he can send me pathetic red carnations with the divorce papers.

2. Why....why....why!...must you bring the whole family to the store? I think I was the only person there alone. I understand many parents have to take their children with them because of a lack of childcare. Said children should not be allowed to run free. Put them in the freakin' buggy---or a leash, I don't care. Allow your toddler to walk around and help you pick oatmeal on a Tuesday at 9:45am; not a Saturday at the supercenter. Best of all, leave them at home. And leave your husband (or baby daddy) at home with them. And Grandma. And Aunt Cleo and Uncle Andrew. Why does it take five adults and 6 kids to grocery shop for the week? It doesn't! But yet I see it all over the store as I have to wait for a conga line to pass before I can turn. Keep your ass at home and clear the aisle for sane people. I don't even understand couples who shop together. Honestly, only one of you is cooking -- or you know the meals the other one cooks -- so send one person to the store and get your crap and leave.

3. Hey Lady. Yeah, you. The 300+ pound woman in cheetah print leggings (stretched to the point they have lost opacity) and a short tank top. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just 'cuz they sell it at Walmart doesn't mean you can wear it here (or anywhere). Just sayin'.

4. I abhor people who just stand in the middle of an aisle staring like they've never seen laundry detergent before, completely oblivious to the people around them trying to get by. Yes, I am a slow coupon shopper and I stop my buggy and dig for coupons only on off hours. That means early mornings or during the week. Never during rush hours. Why can't they just grab a freggin' package of Fig Newtons and keep going?

5. Who are these people who buy entire cart loads of Banquet frozen dinners. I'm not talking, "stock the deep freeze because they are on sale and we have them for the babysitter's nights." I'm talking 75-100 frozen meals. I imagine it is kind of like the Jetson's at their house every night. They pop their tray in the microwave and Rosie brings it over when it is done. Or maybe it rides a conveyor belt.

I'm glad I went on Saturday, because after that trip, I really needed that wine.