Thoughts from the Walmart Checkout

I never go to Walmart on Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning before 9am is my preferred time to show. But since we live in the backwoods state of Texas, and I can't get a bottle of sangria before noon on Sunday, and I didn't want to drag Claire with me, I went out this afternoon.

Big mistake.

I spent from 3:48 - 4:18pm in the checkout line. I kid you not. That's thirty minutes of my life I will never get back. But, since I was at ghetto Walmart I decided to jot a blog on the back of my grocery list in my newly free time.

Here are my observations and thoughts from an afternoon at Walmart:

1. It is the weekend before Valentine's Day so Walmart has rolled out the red (neck) carpet. Bouquets of sad, under-blossomed red carnations are abound. Granted, they regularly carry descent mixed bouquets of flowers, but that is not what I'm talking about. These are pathetic little red carnations. No girl deserves these. If "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" then every Feb 14 domestic violence incident begins with these flowers. There are also bins full of plush red and pink animals and I assume these are for little girls. Oh, but of course not. I see men, grown-ass men, digging through them talking about their wives and girlfriends to each other. The day my husband gets me a neon pink bear made in China is the day I know he no longer loves me. And he can send me pathetic red carnations with the divorce papers.

2. Why....why....why!...must you bring the whole family to the store? I think I was the only person there alone. I understand many parents have to take their children with them because of a lack of childcare. Said children should not be allowed to run free. Put them in the freakin' buggy---or a leash, I don't care. Allow your toddler to walk around and help you pick oatmeal on a Tuesday at 9:45am; not a Saturday at the supercenter. Best of all, leave them at home. And leave your husband (or baby daddy) at home with them. And Grandma. And Aunt Cleo and Uncle Andrew. Why does it take five adults and 6 kids to grocery shop for the week? It doesn't! But yet I see it all over the store as I have to wait for a conga line to pass before I can turn. Keep your ass at home and clear the aisle for sane people. I don't even understand couples who shop together. Honestly, only one of you is cooking -- or you know the meals the other one cooks -- so send one person to the store and get your crap and leave.

3. Hey Lady. Yeah, you. The 300+ pound woman in cheetah print leggings (stretched to the point they have lost opacity) and a short tank top. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just 'cuz they sell it at Walmart doesn't mean you can wear it here (or anywhere). Just sayin'.

4. I abhor people who just stand in the middle of an aisle staring like they've never seen laundry detergent before, completely oblivious to the people around them trying to get by. Yes, I am a slow coupon shopper and I stop my buggy and dig for coupons only on off hours. That means early mornings or during the week. Never during rush hours. Why can't they just grab a freggin' package of Fig Newtons and keep going?

5. Who are these people who buy entire cart loads of Banquet frozen dinners. I'm not talking, "stock the deep freeze because they are on sale and we have them for the babysitter's nights." I'm talking 75-100 frozen meals. I imagine it is kind of like the Jetson's at their house every night. They pop their tray in the microwave and Rosie brings it over when it is done. Or maybe it rides a conveyor belt.

I'm glad I went on Saturday, because after that trip, I really needed that wine.