Bite Me Martha

Completely contrary to my personality, I subscribe to Martha Stewart Living magazine and love looking through all 180 pages of ridiculousness. Exactly how does one do yoga three times a week, manage a full farm and garden (complete with albino asparagus), and regularly disassemble and clean their oscillating fans? With legions on housekeepers and peons, that is how. But my subscription is paid for with online survey points, so it is totally worth it.

As I flipped through the July issue, I saw the article "New Wardrobe Essentials." This is funny coming from the woman who only wears tent-like cotton collared shirts with mom khakis. The article is really quite interesting and and I find a stylish swimsuit so I look at the prices. I gasp and double check.

A chocolate brown maillot swimsuit ($470) and matching silk sarong ($520). Does Martha realize the purpose of that swimsuit is to be submerged in bleach water and children's urine? Does the damn thing the first suit ever that keeps your crotch from filling up with beach sand? It peaks my interest so I keep looking.

Other things your closet isn't complete without:

• White collared button down shirt ($775) - could it possibly be $750 better than my favorite from JC Penney?
• Black yoga pants ($130) and jacket ($150) - you die a little inside each time you sweat in it
• V-neck sweater ($225) - cashmere & Ralph Lauren
• Crisp khaki pants ($150)
• Black AND tan point toe slingbacks ($575 each -- they are Monolos of course)
• Dark wash denim straight leg jeans ($230)
• Khaki trench coat ($50 - from Old Navy)

Would you wear your Monolos and $775 white shirt with a $50 coat from Old Navy? If you could afford all this stuff would you even know what an Old Navy is?

The sad thing is I read this article 3 days ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I just really hope they don't subscribe to Martha Stewart at the unemployment office and that is the only thing you can read while you are waiting for your Ramen money.